Uncomfortable...Ouch.

The more I think about our society's' need for comfort all the time, I feel sick. I'm obsessed with our comfort-loving culture. I care more about my personal comfort level than anything or anyone. Yep, more than my husband, more than my kids, more than God. Ouch. Talk about an idol. Comfort is the biggest one I can think of in today's world.
Let me just lay out a few examples of  how I let the desire for comfort run my life:

• I wake up in the nicest bed in the house. A tempur-pedic. We didn't buy our kids one or have a guest room with this kind of mattress. Nope, we spent money on the best for ourselves.
• Complain that I have to wake up. Don't want to move from the comfort of my warm bed.
• I open my eyes and check my iPhone. Time to see if anyone missed me or commented on MY stuff while I was sleeping. Making sure I'm "liked" or needed is one way I can feel comfortable about my value. 
• Time to slip on that big comfy robe and slippers. Wouldn't want to feel a chill on my way to my bathroom, just 10 steps away from my cozy bed. 
• Time for a HOT shower. Complain when the first few water droplets to hit my skin aren't up to temp.
• Giant towel. 
• Oh what to wear...choices, choices. Something warm and comfortable. 
• Must dry hair and put on make-up. Don't like how cold and clammy I feel with wet hair. Make sure my face looks "cute." I don't want to go anywhere with just my natural God-given face. How uncomfortable it would feel to be out there without cosmetic enhancements. (exaggerating for effect...I actually don't wear make-up everyday. But the truth is I feel much better about myself when I have it on.)
• Breakfast time, I need something warm and tasty. Hmm, must have coffee. I want my tummy to feel comfortable. 
• Check phone...anyone "liked" anything yet? Make sure I have answered emails and am being relational. Staying connected make me feel comfortable. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be the last to know something?
• Time to drive to work. My office is only 2 miles down the street. But the nice mountain bike that we put all the bike bags on for me is so, well, you know...it's a bike, not a nice warm van with a cup holder for my coffee and the radio that I love. Plus, my hair will look funny by the time I get to work if I put on that helmet. 
• Arrive at work and complain about the 2 bags and cup of coffee that I'm carrying the 50 feet from my van to my desk. Oh so much to "haul." 
• My office is too hot or too cold, but rarely if ever, just right.
• I need to work over in the church building, but it's too cold. Guess, I'll just have to wait for another day. Don't want to be chilly.
• I hear God asking me to work on a VBS, Girls Camp, or something else that seems too daunting...save it for another day. 
• Time to go home. Glad I can take the comfy van instead of that bike. Whew, now I don't have to leave the office 20 minutes earlier. Getting by with minutes to spare is so much easier than having to intentionally plan out my day.
• Home sweet home. Time to eat. 3pm meal in front of the TV while sitting on a rocker/glider chair before a 5:30pm dinner. Lucky me, we have snacks, leftovers, and food bursting from the fridge, freezer, garage shelves, and cupboards. I've never known what it's like to not have food available.  
• Time to make dinner. The hardest decision...what to make? So many choices.
• Clean-up = kids/dishwasher. Minimal scouring of pots and pans for me. Yippee!
• Laundry-throw it in the machines. Sure I have to fold and hang, but it sure beats the ole "plunge and scrub." Oh, and I almost forgot, I get to watch HGTV while folding laundry. Nothing like watching people searching for bigger and better houses while I toil away.
• Should I go for a run tonight? Naah, too windy, too cold, too hot, too tired, too uncomfortable.
• I need to work on some stuff in our office. "Alan can you move to the lap top, I want the big computer."
• Time for jammies. Nothing better than curling up on my awesome bed with flannel pi's and that big fluffy robe. 
• More TV, a bedtime snack, some reading, check Facebook, play my word games with friends...
• Whew, that was one exhausting day. I think I should look at Pintrest for some ideas on how to make life better and more comfortable. 

And that is how it goes. I know there is much more to my life than these little moments of comfort-seeking. I'm not a lazy person. But the truth is that I'm addicted to comfort. I think we all are to some varying degree. We want to find the things/the circumstances in life that will make us the most comfortable most of the time. It's become a "right" to search for the highest level of comfort we can afford. Yet don't we see clearly that the times we grow our faith, deepen our compassion, and find ourselves most closely connected to Christ is when we lay down our big fat idol called comfort and seek our Savior?

I understand that one of the best tools we can put into action is gratitude. A grateful heart says, "thank you for the warm bed, thank you for the food, etc." I am totally sold on the power of living a life of gratitude. Unfortunately, I don't think it's enough. Because even when we say, "thank you," it doesn't always help us to not say, "more please." The cushyines level of our lives have made us soft. It's made us expect that we can and should have more. For example, just because I'm grateful for the hot shower today, doesn't mean I would accept a cold one tomorrow. No, my comfort (sin) nature will rise up and complain loudly if tomorrow's hot water supply doesn't match what I've experienced today. In fact, when I'm feeling really selfish, I'll even want to take a longer shower tomorrow. If seven minutes of hot water feels great today, wouldn't 8.5 minutes be even better?

I'm curious how you wrestle with the desire for comfort in your life. What are some things that you struggle with in our culture of comfort.

Embracing Release

In my circles there's a lot of talk these days about serious issues. The top two doozies these days are homosexuality and gender roles. A lot of these conversations boil down to trying to figure out who's in and who's out (pun sort of intended).

• What is the correct, loving, and biblically accurate response to the gay community?
• What kind of woman do I want to be/what is the Christian community expecting me to be?
• Is it ok to be a stay-at-home mom and still want my husband to help do the dishes, parent the kids, and fold the laundry on a daily basis?
• How should a lesbian be involved in the life of the church?
• What does a "date-night" have to include?
• Should I love or despise Proverbs 31?
• Is it ok to be a woman and a pastor?
• Can I simultaneously want to look good on the outside/feel good on the inside, but cringe at the thought of maximizing my beauty for my man?
• Does love have limits - what did Jesus say?

I wish I had definitive, well thought out, well-researched answers for all of these questions. Take anyone of them and it's bound to either get you in trouble, snared in hypocrisy, or left feeling insane as you try and sort out facts from opinions. But wait, don't forget your own personal baggage, family of origin issues, and human brokenness. There are so many voices these days trying to come up with the "right" answers. And frankly it leaves me feeling flustered. One of the best/worst things about my personality is my ability to see things from different points of view. I'm reminded of that country song that says, "You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything." Is that what I am, a gutless, wishy-washy flip-flopper?

Last weekend I directed a Women's Retreat with the theme "Lay Down Your Burden." I think in light of the knot in my stomach it would be best to lay down the battle zone that seems to be going on in my head and heart. I pray that for now an acceptable answer to a lot of those tricky questions above is "I dunno." We might not be able to discern Truth here and now....but one glorious day it will be made clear. For all of us who claim to know God, to trust in Jesus Christ, and who seek the revelation of the Holy Spirit in our lives, may we embrace release.

Blogging In My Head

If I had time to put thoughts to paper... errr, screen I could of blogged a ton in the last month. My life has been a blur of "God moments." Many posts have been written and left untyped. It's been fun to see the connections between what I'm studying at Women's Bible Fellowship, reading in my Lent devotional, hearing during Sunday morning and Ash Wednesday services, in conversations with friends, connecting with others at the Justice conference/advocating for Compassion, leading a parenting group, exploring through pastoral team meeting spiritual practices, preparing for Women's Retreat, and observing in Leviticus and Numbers with my 15-year-old.

Themes of sacrifice, focusing on wholeness vs. happiness, and coming back to the center of faith have bombarded me daily. I'm so grateful for our God who makes himself known and available. I recognize that sometimes it takes effort on my part to settle down enough to hear his voice. At other times (like now) it's in the middle of my busyness where I see him everywhere. What brings me comfort and joy this season is not based on clear answers but rather His presence. I still don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there, but I do know God is going with me. Perhaps being able to have peace in that truth is evidence of the Holy Spirit at work.

God loves to be creative. As a potter he sculpts us into the likeness of his Son Jesus Christ. He does not have us fit in a mold, but rather uses our "raw materials" to shape us into something unique and beautiful. As a weaver God takes the threads of our days and our inmost being and knits them together into a garment of praise. The questions I ask myself: Am I willing to let God be creative in my life? Is it ok if God creates something one day, then scraps it, and remakes it the next?

This Lenten season I've given up excuses. No longer will I hold off of letting God into each and every part of who I am, what I'm about, or where I hope to go. I will release my burdens to him. I'll walk into the wilderness, be tempted by confusion, and comforted by grace. I'm finding that the good life means more about wrapping my life around Christ than it does around my dreams. With childlike faith I'll put trust in the One who is infinitely wise, unconditionally loving, and abounding in hope.

Grace, Sustainability, and Effective Ministry

These past two weeks have made my head spin and my heart hurt. They've also made me smile, pray, take deep breaths, and move forward.

Head spin: WBF, Women's Retreat, VBS, Sunday School, 3M, Girls Camp, Parenting Group, Summer Plan
Heart hurt: Effective ministry = what's that?
Smile: Alan, Brynn, Jolee, Corinne, Compassion (Oh how I love you), The Team at NFC, Women's Retreat and Girls Camp Steering Teams (Such good work being done!), Exercise
Pray: God, you know me. Help me to rest in you. To trust you.
Take Deep Breaths: Grace. God give me grace.
Move Forward: It's about loving Christ and others. NOT myself.

As I continue to wrestle with what to do, how to do it, who I am, and communicating what I'm about, I hear a word that makes me crazy: "I." It's time to refocus on God and leave more room in my head and my heart for Him to work than me.

So here I'll sit/stand/walk/run/Zumba/kneel/crawl/sleep: Soaking in grace, reminding myself that sustainability isn't code for lazy, and out of that truth be used by Christ for effective ministry.

Sabbathing by the Sea, errr, Pacific Ocean.

I might just be the worst "sabbather" in the history of the Sabbath. I certainly stink at getting ready to Sabbath. For some the prospect of three days without anything on the schedule except time to commune with God might seem like an extravagant gift; one they would eagerly partake if given the freedom. But instead of just pushing the pause button on "real life" and gratefully accepting the gift, a gift I signed myself up for, I let my to-do list and my responsibilities, or at least my self-induced/mommy/wife/pastor guilt suck much of the joy out of coming to this amazing retreat. And not only does this stress lead to giant run on sentences like the one you just read, but it also leads to non-stop thoughts, worries, and fears racing around my brain, holding me hostage for at least the past 48 hours leading up to the "gift."

Everything gets better when you get in the car. At least this is true for me. Once I'm on my way and I've done all the fretting I can, I start to unwind and enter in. Mile-by-mile as my dad told story after story, I let go of the fear and anxiety about leaving and began to anticipate the adventure that lay ahead as we drove to Harbor Villa for Sabbath By The Sea. This time away was supposed to be a spiritual retreat that my husband and I were going to experience together. It would have been a first for this type of thing-and I was looking forward to how God would use this carved out time in our schedules for us as individuals and as a couple. But a week ago, Alan realized he couldn't leave work this week (no carving possible) and so I was left with a choice...to go or not to go. I chose to invite my dad and take the risk that I would still hear God even if Alan wasn't by my side. Insert smiley face.

As an only child, who finds herself extremely self-focused and leads a pretty demandingly busy and scheduled life....time with Dad is much too rare. The opportunity to share this Sabbath with my dad could not only be a fun thing to do but perhaps was God's plan all along.

Tonight during our first prayer gathering we read from Isaiah 55. The first two lines of verse 12 seemed to jump off the page:

You will go out with joy
    and be led forth in peace.

The first line was clearly God's gentle admonition that what He desires for me is to "go out"- to leave my home/work/responsibilities with JOY. He knows I failed and fell woefully short of leaving with joy. But God did not stop at this acknowledgment of my heart's condition. He added the second line: and be led forth in PEACE. This is God's covenant for me. God has promised that I will be led throughout the Sabbath in peace. He will lead me.

I will trust in God's voice form Isaiah 55:2

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.

Christmas Card Choices

I'm enjoying the trips to the mailbox this month. Everyday I hope for a card or two or seven.  I love receiving Christmas cards. To help curb my hypocritical nature I send them out. This year I mailed 200. It's excessive and ridiculous I know. Especially with Facebook, this blog, email, etc., people know what we look like, they can find out any ole day what I'm up to. Christmas cards are simply an indulgence.

Indulgence seems to be my Christmas theme. It's pretty pathetic. I've eaten more cookies, fudge, ice cream, and pie in the last 6 weeks than I have in the last 18 months. The seams on my skinny jeans are straining. I can hear my fat cells cheering, "M.E.R.R.Y. Christmas!" I could be really discouraged by my lack of restraint, but the last year has taught me that I can say no. I can choose any day to make healthy choices. Apparently right now I'm choosing sweets over sweat, sugar over sensibility, carbs over cardio. And it the grand scheme of things...I say,"big stinkin' deal." Life is a series of choices. Despite the cravings, the addictions, the habits, and the preferences we do have (for the most part) the ability to choose. When I'm ready to choose health-I will do it.

I want to address the flip side though. There are some things we can not choose. I'm acutely aware that this Christmas isn't easy for some of the people I love most in my life. While I'm here in a sugar haze, many people I love are dealing with devestating circumstances beyond their control.

I have dear friends who will receive my Christmas card full of family photos and happy highlights and they just might want to tear it up or throw it in the garbage. This Christmas they are dealing with divorce, serious addictions, or loneliness due to the death of a loved one. At some level I'm dealing with all of those things too. When you love others - you let the pain come in. And I can tell that I'm using indulgence as a temporary respite from reality.

Cookie comfort. I want more than that. I want to taste, touch, see and feel true hope. I crave the Scripture I chose for the back of our Christmas card:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Hope Means Rejecting

I'm stealing the title of this post from the title of Gregg's sermon on December 4. His sermon that day had me nodding my head in agreement so much that the people behind me must of thought I was a bobble head doll. Near the beginning of service, Gregg read from Isaiah 64:1-5 (TNIV) And then he asked this question, "What do you want God to do for you?"

Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down,
   that the mountains would tremble before you!
As when fire sets twigs ablaze
   and causes water to boil,
come down to make your name known to your enemies
   and cause the nations to quake before you!
For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
   you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
Since ancient times no one has heard,
   no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
   who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
You come to the help of those who gladly do right,
   who remember your ways.
But when we continued to sin against them,
   you were angry.
   How then can we be saved?


I sat there in the silence and the first thing that popped into my head was a request for Alan and Brynn to make it back safely from the Bible Quiz meet at Twin Rocks Friends Camp. That seemed silly. I really had no doubts that I'd see my husband and daughter in a couple of hours, so I thought it strange and almost shallow that I'd be asking for God to bring them home. I scrunched my eyes tight and thought again..., "What do I want, what do I want?" God affirmed my more lofty goal of wanting to live more passionately for Him. Relieved that I had sought out a greater gift than simply the emminate return of my husband and child, I joined the singing of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" with gusto. 


Then what to my wondering eyes should appear? Before the song ended, my husband slid into the pew next to me, whispered hello and let me know Brynn had already stationed herself in the nursery. Alan, here next to me - two hours ahead of schedule. I smiled and thanked God for his immediate and loving answer to the deepest prayer of my heart. He confirmed that it wasn't foolish to want my husband and daughter home. The Holy Spirit spoke intensely to me in that moment. God is so keenly aware of our desires and his joy is to bring us joy. I will live more passionately for God as I continue to know him more, to trust in his goodness, and to witness and share his faithfulness.


Hope means rejecting. Rejecting our doubts:
 I'm not praying correctly. 
 I don't know what I want. 
 I can't ask for that.


Hope means rejecting. Rejecting what is wrong. Rejecting the pain. Rejecting suffering. Rejecting poverty. Rejecting the status quo. Rejecting materialism. Rejecting perfectionism. Rejecting denial.


Hope means rejecting. It means seeing with wide open eyes the places and circumstances in our life and our neighbors lives that aren't right. It means we have a need for hope because we want things to be better. It means we know that each and every person on earth needs a Savior. 


O Come, O Come Emmanuel.